The Power of Self Care in Business & Life with Alicia Davis
Being an entrepreneur and a mother at the same time is indeed difficult. Taking on these two vastly different roles means balancing life with your business and children. The key here is to keep in touch with yourself and never neglect self-care. Most women fall prey to thinking they are not worthy or good enough. This is a deeply wrong mindset, and it is time to shift that around.
Join Renee Williams and Camille Davis as they talk to Certified Life Coach, mother of four boys, and a recovering people-pleaser Alicia Davis. She specifically works with entrepreneurial moms lacking in the self-care department, helping bring the best out of their brilliant selves. Learn how to find more time with yourself and finally understand your true potential.
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The Power of Self Care in Business & Life with Alicia Davis
Cami and I are here with Alicia Davis from Alicia Davis Coaching. She specializes in working with moms who are in need of self-care, particularly in the area of relationships. Alicia, welcome to the show.
Thank you. I’m so glad to be here.
We are super excited to have you because so many women who are entrepreneurs who are high vibes, high drive, and go-getters struggle in some of these areas. Can you tell us a little bit about your background and then how you specifically work with women?
I am a certified life coach. I was certified a couple of years ago through The Life Coach School. It was founded by Brooke Castillo. I love coaching people. It’s one of my passions. I didn’t even realize that I had it until I started. I was like, “This is amazing.” I coach moms in particular. I have been married for many years and I have four boys.
Interestingly, I have an entrepreneur husband who has been working on businesses for decades. I never thought that I would be an entrepreneur myself. It’s so interesting to watch the process of me learning how to work with him as an entrepreneur and then creating my own business as well working on this. I feel like I have a unique perspective as far as relationships go because I’ve experienced both ends. I’ve experienced the relationships from being a spouse of an entrepreneur and knowing how it works on that end and working with moms who are entrepreneurs who are on the opposite side of the spectrum. That’s my background. I feel like I have experience and training with this.
It’s been interesting to see even the male-female differences in connections as far as goals, desires, and even connecting with themselves. There’s a special spot for women entrepreneurs as far as relationships go, in particular with relationships with themselves. I want your perspective on this. Do you feel like there’s even time for you to connect with yourselves? You’re probably running around to different properties, trying to take care of kids, family, or whatever. Do you have time to take care of yourselves? Do you feel like that’s a priority, or does that get swept under the rug?
Cami, I’ll let you answer that one.
I do put that last but I shouldn’t put that last. After I’ve done all the other things and taken care of all the other people, at the end of the day, sometimes, I’ll watch a little bit of a Hallmark show until I fall asleep. I’m a romantic person. I usually don’t even get through it. It’s just a few minutes, but it’s that feel-good, fill-me-up, the-world-is-perfect type of thing. That’s my little time for myself. I needed to get a massage a long time ago. My husband gave it to me for my birthday. We are two months out from my birthday. I never scheduled the massage. I should do that because it’s paid for. I need to go do it. We don’t do enough for ourselves.
That’s pretty common. Renee, is that the same for you?
Yeah. I will say this. Since my kids are older, I am coming to a time when I feel like I have more time for myself. My kids are only twenty months apart. I never had time for myself when my kids were little. My husband and I are very good because he takes time for himself. I noticed that my husband does not have a problem finding time for himself. Throughout our relationship, he will golf. That is his free time and his space on weekend mornings where he wants to get up and go. I’m like, “I’m here with kids,” but since the kids are gone and my husband’s gone golfing, I’ve got time for me. This is a season in my life. This is new for me. It took me eighteen years to get here, but I do enjoy my time to myself.
One of the things that I love hearing is most of us women are the same. It’s like, “This is the season where I get to focus more on myself.” I love that, but at the same time, I feel like we’ve missed the boat for those eighteen years as you said where we haven’t been focusing on ourselves. What I love to do with my clients is help them realize that connection with themselves doesn’t have to take a back seat or be less of a priority because they’re trying to take care of other people. It’s something you can do in the middle of all of the busyness that entrepreneurship and motherhood entail. That’s relieving to hear, but everyone is like, “How do you do that? How do you carve this out?”
Connection with oneself doesn't have to take a backseat just because you're trying to take care of other people.
One of the things that I always start with is defining what connections and relationships are. Most people think of relationships as a two-way street. There’s a relationship between you and one other person. What I coach on and what I help people realize is that our relationships and connections are based on what we’re thinking about someone else.
For instance, I could have a person who I consider my best friend and some things I love about them. Another person could have different thoughts about my best friend and not like them at all. Have you guys found that? You probably have seen that in either certain people or relationships. What we’re thinking about a person determines how we feel about them. That’s what our relationships are.
I love to throw this one out, too, because I love Oprah. She’s got some amazing things and contributions to the world. I don’t know her at all. I’ve never met her. I’ve never even been in her presence, but I feel connected to Oprah in a small way. The same thing happens with family members or loved ones who have passed away. We still feel connected or have a relationship with them even though they’re not with us, not near us, and it has nothing to do with them. Our connections and relationships are about what we’re thinking and believing about someone else.
If we tie this into ourselves, our connection and relationship with ourselves is what we’re thinking and believing about ourselves. As entrepreneurs, we don’t take time to sit back and go, “What’s my story? What do I believe about myself? Do I think I’m awesome and amazing?” I do, sometimes, but there is as much chatter in my head that I’m telling myself, “I’m inadequate. I’m not enough. I’m doing it wrong. I’m not where I should be.” Taking all of that into account is what drives the disconnection from ourselves.
How do we make time for that? That’s a paradigm shift in your head. You’re busy. Your life is filled with all the things all the time, especially if you’re trying to build a business. You are always on. When you have an extra moment, you’ve got fires to put out at home because you have kids or other family members, if not children. You may have parents you’re taking care of. There is something else that’s going on in your life. How do we make that shift, thinking-wise, to connect with ourselves, and what value do we gain from that ultimately?
The more that we connect with ourselves and make ourselves a priority, the more it impacts everybody around us. If we’re feeling disconnected from ourselves, it shows up everywhere. We feel more rushed, we don’t have enough time, or the enoughness isn’t there. It’s almost a mindset shift. First of all, the idea that we don’t have enough time is so big. I’m sure you have felt that on a daily basis, almost as a mom or an entrepreneur or both. You’re like, “I don’t have enough time.”
Here’s the reality. There’s always enough time to do exactly what you need to do, whether it happens at this moment, the next, or whenever it is. You are enough and there’s enough time. That’s not believable to a lot of people at this moment. That’s what I do in my one-on-one sessions. I take a look at what people believe about themselves and their time, and I help them tweak it, shift it, and see how another belief might be possible.
It’s not something where you’re going to flip a light switch and be like, “I have plenty of time for myself.” It doesn’t work like that. It’s a process. That’s what I do with coaching. If you can commit to even a mini-session, it’s one of those things that you go, “I can feel the mind shift. I can feel how it impacts my emotions and how I show up with everyone.” When you can feel that, that’s when you’re like, “I need more of it. I need more of set aside time to focus on myself.” It’s almost like you have to experience this smidge in order to have the mindset to set aside time for yourself. Once you have that experience, it is enlightening. You see how it impacts the rest of your family, the people that you work with, and everything.
She asked, “How do you do this?” One is getting someone to help you and get an outside perspective. We don’t see our own selves well enough. We’re skewed in our perception of ourselves a lot of times, so it does help to have somebody else say, “What are you believing? Where are you at?” Help you then add those tools into your life.
I’m glad you said that, Cami. One of the ways that I describe coaching to people is I’m a professional movie watcher. I don’t know if you guys have ever been in a play, but when you are participating in a play and you’re playing a character, you can’t be the character and the observer at the same time. It’s impossible because you’d have to be in the audience and on the stage. You can’t do that.
When we’re in the story of our lives, we’re in our own movie as ourselves in character. We’re not good at observing what’s going on in our heads and what we think about ourselves or other people. A coach gets to sit down, watch the movie of your life as the observer, and then go, “This is cool. Did you see it? This is how this is working. This is what you’re creating here. This is how you’re interacting with other people.” We get to offer the perspective of the movie to the other person. It’s great. I get to sit on a couch with clients, eat popcorn, watch their movies, and help them realize what they’re creating in their life. It’s fun.
You are saying the exact same thing that Bonnie Hubert mentioned. Bonnie is on a previous episode. If you’re reading and you want to go back to Bonnie Hubert’s episode, it’s called Why Every Woman Needs a Maid with Dr. Bonnie Hubert. It was a fantastic episode in which we talked about her new book. She talked about theaters in life and then having somebody who can see it from outside.
Usually, when we’re in the weeds every day, we don’t get that 30,000-level view where we can see it bigger. We’re so lost in it that we can’t see the bigger picture. Having a coach helps us with that. That brings me to my next question for you. What types of certifications should we be looking for if we’re looking for a life coach who is going to be able to make an impact or help us make a difference in the way that we think and gain value from everything that you’re saying? What types of coach should we be looking for, certifications, or experience?
Technically, the life coach industry is not regulated at all. Anybody could pop up and be like, “I’m a life coach.” They have no experience and no training and claim that they’re qualified. With Bonnie, it sounds like she and I were certified through the same school.
She talked about Brooke as well.
Brooke Castillo has created a model and a whole school built around a certain type of life coaching. To be honest, it’s my absolute favorite style of life coaching. That’s why I certified with her. If you’re looking for a really good life coach, I will go with anybody who has been certified through The Life Coach School because the model that they have is amazing. It works with any problem.
Tell me about your experience. I know that you went through it at the very beginning. You were saying specifically the type of work that you do. If I’m a mom and an entrepreneur, are there some specific things that you can help me work with on a practical level? What should I be looking out for?
As far as entrepreneurship goes, one of the major obstacles is being overwhelmed. It’s about being able to ditch the overwhelm that comes from the busyness that we’ve got in our life. There’s also a lot of mom guilt that comes from trying to be the mom and the entrepreneur and feeling like you can’t be in both places at once. If you’re doing one thing, you’re feeling like, “I’m leaving this other area of my life behind. I’m feeling guilty about this. I should be doing the other thing.” Being present in whatever it is that you’re engaged with at the moment is one of the biggest challenges. I coach on that. I coach on the mom guilt.
Being present in whatever it is you're currently engaged with is one of the biggest challenges you will experience.
In talking about self-care, that’s also another one that I coach on, too. I find it so intriguing. Self-care gets thrown around a lot. It feels like when we talk about self-care, everyone imagines bubble baths, movies, and all of these activities that are about self-care. That’s what pops up. The self-care that I get to coach on is not like, “Go create time for yourself.” What I can offer is how to address self-care from the source not covering it up with bubble baths or the other thing that might be like a time out for you but not caring for yourself, if that makes sense.
A lot of times, as women who are entrepreneurs, we are go-getters. We’re always busy doing whatever it is that we feel like. It’s almost like we have a hole that we’re trying to fill to say that we’re good. Maybe I’m talking out of turn to some women, but we’re trying to prove that we’re good enough. We have something to prove either to ourselves, our spouses, our younger selves, or somebody who said that we couldn’t and maybe we think we could. We want to feel like we’re worthy, so we’re trying to void somehow.
What I love about the concept of your coaching is that it teaches that I am worthy. I’m not only worthy of being a successful entrepreneur, but I’m also worthy of caring for myself and connecting with myself. Do you find that there are a lot of women you work with who have challenges in that area specifically?
Most of us women tie our worth to our accomplishments. We’re like, “If I can do the thing, if I can be the successful mom, if I can make sure that I have this many properties, or if I can secure this much financial security, then I will have proved my worth.” I see that all the time. It’s almost like if we do enough, then we will be enough, but it’s backward.
It’s who you have to be to do things.
Here’s the thing. We are already 100% lovable and enough. It’s not that we want to stay as we are. We want to learn more and keep progressing, but who we are is 100% enough. That’s hard for a lot of us women to grasp right off the bat, but it’s 100% true. If we can start with that, then our accomplishments are like bonuses.
Cami, I have a question for you. Camille Davis is the queen of not being able to say no to anything. We’ll start 20 businesses and do it all successfully while trying to juggle four kids, a husband, and everything going on. Cami, why don’t you say no to projects?
With the mind thing that you’re saying, I see opportunity everywhere. It doesn’t seem so overwhelming to me because I’m so excited about everything I’m trying to do. I’m at this point in my life that I’m like, “You can do this. Let’s help the world.” I’m at a different point, but I do get overwhelmed. When you said there’s not enough time in the day, I’ve been feeling that way. I’m feeling this time crunch because I am expanding and doing all these fun things. I love doing all the fun things, but I thought, “There’s not enough time. I can’t do it all.” When I get that way, then I start thinking, “I need to now go get more people involved. I need to get more help.”
Sadly enough, when I first had my kids, I was stuck at home. I was not talking to anybody. I wasn’t getting my value because I wasn’t doing any of those things. I felt like I had given up my identity and my life for these children. You do, in a way. I remember talking to my mom one time. I was like, “It’s not what I thought it would be,” and then she said to me, “You can still do all those things. You just have to plan differently. You plan for it.” That’s been a constant struggle for me.
It’s a mindset thing. You can still do all those things, but I do get overwhelmed, too. I’m speaking at a thing for a bunch of women and it’s not in my comfort zone. It’s going through rules and regulations, and that I do not love. I like the why of why you’re doing something. I like the energy and the importance. I don’t like going through a bunch of numbers 1, 2, and 3.
I have been so stressed out about doing this presentation that I overprepared. I’ve been staying up until midnight doing this presentation and getting the slides together. There’s way too much information, but I feel ready to go in there. I found a way to bring value into it instead of a bunch of rules and regulations. Life is a process. We’re always pushing and pulling and trying to figure it out.
What you’re doing is so important because people don’t realize that’s the most important thing. If we are emotionally good, we can go do all these other things. We’re going to get overwhelmed. When you’re talking about this mindset of there’s not enough time in the day, I feel like, “I’m going to have to change something.” That’s a hard thing to do because you have to be vulnerable. You have to realize you’ve got to change something. It’s a little bit humbling. I’m like, “There’s more to grow and learn.” That’s a long answer. I’m sorry about that.
Can I step in, Renee?
You talk about being excited to do all of the things, having the desire to do all the things, feeling overwhelmed, and then tapping into having fun with something instead of feeling obligated to do something. All of these are emotions. This is one of the things I love coaching because most of us don’t know where our emotions come from and what they do for us. Everything that we do is based on how we feel. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, you’re going to try to overprepare, which didn’t feel good for you. When you come at it from a place of feeling like it was going to be fun and you are like, “I want to do this,” then what you create is entirely different.It affects how you show up.
One of the things I love to do with my clients is, first off, talk about what they’re thinking, but then what emotions are those thoughts creating. If we’re in a little bit of overwhelm because our thought is, “I don’t have enough time,” that overwhelm is a signal. For you, Cami, you were like, “Who else can I involve in this? How can I make this happen?”
A lot of us feel that overwhelm and then shut down. We’re like, “I can’t do it. There’s too much. I can’t do anything.” We then feel guilty because we haven’t done anything. As Renee said, our worth is based on what we do. These blocks keep stacking up to prove that, somehow, we’re not worthy, we’re terrible at our jobs, or whatever it is. When we can take time to tap into our emotions and what we’re creating with those, that’s where the magic happens. It’s so awesome. I love doing that work.
It can be the hard part too. It can be the hardest to be like, “We got to get real. I’ve got to let the guard down. We got to get emotional and open up that box or bottle,” or whatever you’re stuffing all that stuff into.
As a doer, you want to go. You’re like, “I got to move on to the next thing. Here we go.” That’s when we don’t take the time for self-care. We’re so busy doing that we don’t even take a split second to pause, observe, and feel what’s going on. That part is crucial, for sure.
That sounds like you’re cruising into a collision at some point because it all comes to a head either emotionally or physically. Your body starts to respond to all the overwhelm, stress, pressure and ignoring of connecting with yourself. At some point, something is going to happen where you’re going to be like, “I can’t do it all.” When we make that realization, what is it that we need to pair down to? How do we get down to what’s important? How do we know what to focus on?
I’m going to blow your minds for a second because we don’t have to do anything. As soon as I say that, everyone’s like, “We do.” I’m like, “Pause for a second. You don’t have to do anything.” A lot of the things that we think we have to do are things that we want to do because we don’t like the outcome of what would happen if we didn’t do them. We end up putting a lot on ourselves thinking we have to do it all but how we end up pairing that down is by taking a look at everything that we’re doing.
Write a list. Write down all of the stuff. For me, It’s like, “I want to exercise. I’m making breakfast for my kids. I teach an early morning class for my seminary students.” I write down every single thing that I’m doing. You then have to take a look at it and say, “Is that something I want to do?” Do not look at it as, “This is something that I have to do but is this what I want to do? Why do I want to do it?”
When you can shift it from, “I have to,” to, “I want to do this,” it erases the obligation and the stress of trying to fit it all in. You go from having a busy life to having a full life. There’s a difference. When it’s full, you create it because you want to. Busy means I got all the stuff. It’s almost like we’re at the mercy of our schedule. When you choose it on purpose because you want it, that’s where your power lies.
Tell me again the difference between having a full life and a busy life. I need to hear it again. Say that again.
The difference between having a full life and a busy life is choice. Our busy life feels busy because it feels like we’re at the mercy of our schedule or of our obligations. Having a full life is something that we create because we choose all those things. We want them all, so we’re inviting them in. It’s intentional and it feels good.
The difference between having a full life and a busy life is choice.
In fact, a few years ago, I stopped using the word busy. I caught myself in conversations. Somebody would be like, “How’s it going?” I would say, “I’m busy, but I’m good.” That was my go-to response for everybody. I started realizing, “I don’t like saying that. Everybody is saying that.” They’re like, “I’m so busy.” I was like, “That doesn’t feel good to me. I want to be able to be intentional about what I’m doing,” so I shifted. I don’t use the word busy much anymore at all. When someone asks how I’m doing, I usually say, “I had a full day.” I say it with a smile because I chose all the things in my day. It feels different. I’m creating a different relationship with myself when I do that intentionally.
It’s like what I was sharing with this presentation. I did not want to do it because it was uncomfortable for me. I don’t want it to be boring. It’s not fun stuff that I have to teach. Once I did get something together, I’m like, “I made this fun. Now, it’s going to be good,” then all of a sudden, I’m like, “I’m excited about doing this.” It’s okay to have moments when you’re still trying to figure out how to be excited about it.
When I was going to quit my job to stay home, I was feeling like, “I don’t want to do that. I want to keep my job.” I knew I wanted to stay home at the same time. I remember calling my mom. She’s amazing. That’s why I am who I am. I called her and said, “I didn’t think this choice would be so hard to stay home or keep working.” She said, “You can keep working.” By her saying that, I was like, “I’m going to stay home.” I was good with it because it turned into a choice instead of something that I had to do to stay home with my kids. It makes a difference when we have a choice. I felt like I was stuck at home and couldn’t do anything when I called her that other time. She’s like, “You can still do those things. Plan for it.”
I have a question about the power of saying no. A lot of times, people ask us to do things, or we take on things not because we want to but because we feel like we have to when we should have said no. I want to discuss opportunity costs for a second. That’s a fancy way of saying, “If I say yes to this, that means I’m saying no to something else because I can only be in one place at a time.” Talk to us about the power of saying no because so many of us struggle with that.
Before you do, Renee hit it on the head. That is my weakness. I do not like to say no. Even with my kids, if they ask me something, I realize I don’t say no. I’ll say, “Maybe later.” It’s never a no.
One reason is that I don’t like it when people tell me no or I can’t do something.
Why do you not like when other people say that?
It’s because I feel like it takes away my choice. When someone tells me, “You can’t do that,” inside, I get, “Yes, I can. You can’t tell me that I can’t do this.” I don’t like telling anybody else, “No, you can’t do that.” Also, I’m a people pleaser. A lot of women are. I want to make everybody around me happy. I will do that over my own.
Renee said opportunity cost. I will go bend over backward and make everybody else happy before I think of myself. It does cause anxiety, and it does have a disconnect. I am getting better at saying no when I can’t do it all. I have to pay attention to those feelings because I don’t right off. When I start realizing, “I don’t like that,” I need to learn that quicker and faster. I’d like, “I’m not liking this.” I need to say I don’t want to do that. I have a hard time doing that.
You need to learn to do it quicker. You’re recognizing it but you got to be faster at saying no to things, even if you have to say, “Let me think about it and I’ll get back to you.” You take a few minutes or whatever, and then you text back, “It’s not going to work out.” Some people will say no off the bat. It’s so uncomfortable. You should be like, “Let me run it through a filter first before I say no to everything.” It’s realistically weighing like, “If I say yes to this, what am I saying no to over here on this other side?”
I love that because of the pause. Most people are like, “We should be able to say no right off the bat because we know.” In that pause, you’re weighing the opportunity costs. Usually, the cost of taking it on is you. You are sacrificing yourself in order to say no to make other people happy or to provide the opportunity, which isn’t necessarily bad. You might want to do that, but the pause allows you the time to sift through your thoughts and see how you feel about them. I would encourage that, first of all. You could say, “Let me think about it.” You might know sometimes right off the bat like, “I know what the cost is and I’m not willing to give that up right now.” That’s part of it.
The other part is recognizing that we are not in charge of other people’s feelings. If someone doesn’t like that we’re saying no, that’s not on us. That’s their thought and observation of it. We’re not responsible for other people. As a mom, when my kids were in elementary school, they had parties. They would be like, “It’s a Halloween party.” There would always be an invitation like, “We need people to bring in cookies for the party or to do this, or to bring in that. There’s a signup sheet.”
If someone doesn't like that you're saying no, that's not on you.
My mom brain was always like, “I should put my name in and bring the cookies,” but there’s always a cost to that because it’s my time. It’s sometimes my sanity and weighing it against what else I wanted to do at the time. It is about taking a pause and being like, “Do I want to bring in the cookies, or do I want to say no because it’s better for me? I’m as important as the class of kids. It’s okay for me to say no. It’s fine. Sometimes, it’s better.” Weighing that is beautiful.
That was the key. To unpack a little bit of what you said, I worry about their reactions, too. I don’t want to hurt their feelings. Even my daughter was stressed out and overwhelmed. She was tired and was like, “You never have time for me. You’re always on the phone.” This is something I feel a little bit guilty about anyway because I am busy. I’m on the phone and I’m doing a million things. It did make me feel guilty a little bit.
It hurts your feelings a little bit, but then, you can take yourself out of it and say, “I’m not responsible for those emotions she’s having. I know I’m doing a good job. I’m home. I’m here when she needs me. Maybe I’ll be on the phone, but I’ll get off the phone, and then I can talk to her.” That’s not what she felt. She just wanted attention. That’s hard to see at the moment. You can get emotional and be upset.
Usually, people make comments that hit us like that. We feel guilty.
We feel a little bit attacked. We’re like, “You hit me where it hurts. You’re attacking me.”
Part of that is we want to completely deny it. We’re like, “I’m here.” A lot of times, I’ll find myself resisting that. I’d be like, “It’s on her. That’s what she’s thinking.” If I take a minute and think about it, I’m like, “Part of her might be right. Maybe I’m not here.” I’m unpacking both sides of it and trying to see what is happening. It’s that 30,000-foot level Renee was talking about. We’re able to look from a different perspective and see what’s going on, but also, not own her emotions at the same time.
It’s not your responsibility how she feels. I’m not saying that we can do whatever we want. It’s so interesting. There are all those layers of, “What am I thinking? What is she thinking? How does this all work together?” We’re unpacking that. That’s what I get to do as a life coach. Sometimes, it takes a while to see if it works.
I could be more present. That’s why it does hurt a little bit. Maybe I’m there, but I’m not giving her the full attention that she wants if I’m on the phone. There are moments when she’s felt like that. We can’t be perfect all the time. It’s something I can change and I can try to do better with. Most of us get that. We get defensive. We’re like, “I’m not doing that. I’m fine.”
It’s not that there’s a right or a wrong. It’s an opportunity for us to evaluate what’s happening and create what we want in our relationships with our family, with ourselves, etc. It’s valuable work.
Is there anything else that we should have covered that maybe we have not talked about that you think is important for the audience?
The one thing that I would wish all women would understand is their potential. There is so much power that we, as women, have and are capable of. When we can tap into our relationship with ourselves, we unleash that power. We’re better equipped to help our families and the world in whatever circle of influence we have. That’s what I would want to tell women in general.
That’s what’s in this women’s group that I’ve created. With women nowadays, if they could only understand that and understand how amazing we are. We were talking about how the women of this world can change the future. I shouldn’t even tell this story because I don’t know all the details, but there was a war that happened. It was because of the women that they won that war. There are multiple stories in history. We sometimes take a back seat or maybe don’t get out there and get all the attention for things, but we are so powerful in so many ways. I love that. Remember it.
Thank you so much. Tell us. How can the audience connect with you? If we’re interested in coaching or following you on social, where do we find you?